Namesake: Still I Can’t Be Still

This song is the inspiration behind my blog title, it’s from the chorus of this song. It speaks to me, and describes me quite stunningly accurately. After first hearing it nearly 8 years ago, I keep coming back to it when I’m doubt-filled or hesitant. Putting these emotions and thoughts to music is powerful, and for me this song always resonates.

Still I can’t be still
Still I can’t be silent
Still I can’t be still
Still I can’t be saved
Still I can’t be still
I can’t be silent
Still I –
Still

– Written by: Idina Menzel & Milton Davis

Kale!Fail

I haven’t written much about health stuff lately. Not that it’s not happening, things are just status quo – which is both bad and good. Wishes my autoimmune system would get its act together and stop attempting to self-destruct, but grateful for good doctors (and cortisone!)

Yesterday I had a definite “this so would only happen to me” moment featuring, of all things… kale. I just started getting a CSA box from a local farm co-op (which I totally love!). It has been featuring lots and lots of kale. I like raw kale in salads, but have sort of failed miserably in actually cooking this stuff. Looking up recipes, I found about a zillion out there for “kale chips” and decided to try it out. Made them on Tuesday night, and they were pretty decent – probably could have been a bit crispier, but okay overall. Stored them for lunch the next day (bad move #1: do not put kale chips in baggie. They get rather soggy).

By lunchtime yesterday, I was faced with something in between kale chips and kale salad. Not horrible, but not horribly appetizing. But because I work in that rare library without a library cafe (probably best for my budget, though!), it was all I had to eat.

So mindlessly eating my kale when it happens: it gets stuck between my teeth. Stuck hard. And do I have floss with me at work? Of course not! (note to self: buy floss). Luckily for me, it was stuck in the side of my teeth which at least wasn’t embarrassing, but it sure was painful!

Got home and got to work on extricating said kale from my teeth. Easier said when done when your mouth is so small that even your dentist remarks on how hard it is to floss. Between my electric toothbrush, flossing attempts and even (at the desperate end) resorting to my fingers, kale was extricated with a tremendous amount of pain and one chapped/sore mouth from all that flossing!

Not exactly the way I was intending to spend my afternoon after work… but that is the story of my kale!fail. Needless to say, I may put it on my exceptions list for the time being!

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Wordless Wednesday: A Good Dog

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It’s funny how many people randomly say that to me, as they pass Cassius and I. I guess he just sends off “good dog” vibes… or he’s just so darn adorable that people can’t imagine he would be bad! His expression in this photo really captures his personality. He is a very good dog , indeed.

Freedom

There was a dog in my Team Training class named “Freedom” – when I worked with her in the day leading up to Match Day, I couldn’t help but sing to myself…

You better think (think) think about what you’re trying to do to me
Yeah, think (think, think), let your mind go, let yourself be free
Oh freedom (freedom), freedom (freedom), freedom, yeah freedom
Freedom (freedom), freedom (freedom), freedom, ooh freedom

She was placed with a man who has Huntington’s Disease. What I think is unique about service dogs is that they provide freedom in so many different ways, depending on what their handler needs.

For me and a lot of the people I know, our service dogs allow us to experience freedom that is sometimes difficult – to travel, to work, to go places, without worrying about how our disabilities would make things more difficult. In a way it seems contradictory, that a service dog – a big flashing (no, not literally) sign saying “Hi! I’m disabled!” – gives freedom from some of the awkwardness associated with having a physical disability, but I’ve found that it does. People don’t give me nasty looks when I walk too slow across the street, or trip over my own feet, or drop everything I’m holding. Freedom from trying to make it all work in the able-bodied world.

My dog gives me the freedom to explore, in all senses of the word.

(This is a post for the #ADBC: Assistance Dog Blog Carnival)

Pratt Student Turned Nerve Disorder Into Award-Winning Design Inspiration

Pratt Student Turned Nerve Disorder Into Award-Winning Design Inspiration

Photo: Fernando Colon

Wollner’s collection was inspired by her two-year long struggle with Bell’s Palsy, a nerve disorder which paralyses half of the face. She channelled the emotions of that period through oversized shapes and new textiles, which Wollner experimented with herself by printing on organza and laminating over it.

Of course, that made it nearly impossible to sew. “Going into it I didn’t know it would be that hard, but it made the shapes that I wanted,” Wollner said.

On some of those prints were faces, which at first glance sort of look like Hank from “King of the Hill.” But they’re actually facial exercises given to Wollner by her physical therapist. “The exercises had all these faces on them like, smile or raise your eyebrows five times a day, so I turned them into prints,” she explained. (Another touch that made sense after this explanation: The word “RELAX” printed down the back of her finale coat.)  – Tyler McCall

I love fashion, and I love when disabilities or conditions turn up in the news in unexpected ways… so this is pretty amazing! I would totally buy some of this collection, if it was available.

Adventures in research

Sometimes my work life and my volunteer life collide in curious ways. Recently, they collided in a manner that really just left me scratching my head.

I spent nearly a year working for a corporate library, where I obtained (usually scientific) articles for corporate clients from academic interlibrary loan services and scientific journal publishers. When I was approached by the Moebius Syndrome Foundation to help procure a clean copy of an old medical journal article with a very positive outlook on Moebius syndrome (the first of its kind), I naively thought to myself… “how hard can that be?” Well, it turned out to be harder than I had imagined!

I logged on to the Copyright Clearance Center website, inputted all the necessary information… and then I got stymied at the “Permission Type”… there was no category for non-profit use, much less personal patient use. We are not academia, and definitely not business.  Printing out copies for the use of a few patients seemed to be uncategorizable.  So I e-mailed customer service, as I was instructed to do. And waited.

Two months later, I received a message saying they were closing my case because the “request does not fit in with our regular categories”… well, I e-mailed them as instructed to precisely because of this issue! And obviously e-mailing them was not the solution.  Because I work in information science and have a lot of experience in academia, I knew Interlibrary Loan would work as my last resort for getting a copy of the article.  So I used that, through a colleague on the Moebius Syndrome Foundation board who has access through her university, and obtained a cleaner copy. 

Although I feel a bit bad about it, I will have a few copies of this copy (how confusing is this?!) made for the Conference this summer to hand out – even though technically I should get permission (and pay) to do so…. but if the journal publishers and copyright center won’t process my request at all, what am I actually supposed to do?  I really did want that pristine clean copy, too.

The internet has made academic journals easier to access in a way, you can get Google Scholar alerts sent to your inbox daily. But those only send you to abstracts.  Getting from that abstract to a useful and complete article can many times be impossible, due to access issues and personal pay walls.  A Pew Internet study recently found that 1 in 4 internet users online hit pay walls in accessing health information, and even more important in my case – 30% of those living with chronic conditions faced a pay wall when looking online

I don’t know if I could even call what I experienced a pay wall – is not even being able to pay for something because you can’t get anyone to get back to you in a timely manner a pay wall?  I was prepared to have the Foundation pay something for usage… until I saw it going into the $100s of dollars for a few printouts.  So I guess I did kind of hit a pay wall.  Keep in mind, this article was written in 1986, for god’s sake! It’s not like it’s particularly important or relevant from an academic standpoint.

Except it is relevant for patients.  In 1986, my parents had a 3 year-old (me!) with a super-rare condition, they were told there was a very good chance I would never meet anyone else with the same disorder and who knows what else.  Then my (amazing!) pediatrician and geneticist shared this article with them – about a successful professional, a nurse, with Moebius syndrome – living a productive and full life.  It was the first time, undoubtedly, that anything “positive” was published in the medical literature about Moebius.  So it’s important to have and share with coming generations.

As someone who has spent time both in academia and publishing, and now working in information services, and as a patient seeking and sharing medical information (or, an e-patient, as we sometimes are referred to as), I am honestly torn on the concept of open-access journals: I want the information to be readily available for patients, scholars and those in the medical profession, but I understand the needs of the publishing industry to be reimbursed for the time and effort of academic publishing.  So what in the world is a good solution to this? I really don’t know. I’m thinking there should be an avenue for people who do not clearly fit the parameters of either business or academia to request articles for use within patient communities.  I think that would help many people access and share valuable information.

Do something

Sunday afternoon, my leg and hip muscles are burning in satisfied submission. Had an amazing horseback riding lesson on Deal the wonder pony (well, he’s an Arab horse… I’m sure someone would be offended that I refer to him as a pony!) but he is pony-sized. We worked on my seat, in changing the angle of my seat bones so that my hip angle would change, so he would yield to the bit (dressage term, basically lower his head and use his hind end better). And you know what… it worked. I love that satisfying, cause and effect part of riding – where there is (usually) a correlation between what you do, what you feel, and how your horse moves. It’s absurdly satisfying to me. Leaves me anticipating my next ride at the end of the week!

I’m glad I participate in a sport such as riding. In addition to allowing me to meet a lot of amazing people and animals, it teaches me about the struggle.

And about how eventually you have a breakthrough moment. And so you work towards that breakthrough moment, changing what you do when what you’re doing is not working. I have a distinct memory of my wonderful instructor, Mia, literally screaming at me many years ago:

do Something!

Literally: something. It could be the right thing, could be the wrong thing, but doing anything is a step in the right direction.

I’ve been doing… well, lots of things. Working, volunteering, going to doctors and getting a shitload of shots in my head (curses my autoimmune system!), thinking about my next moves career and life-wise, flossing so hard I hurt my tooth (seriously, that would only happen to me!), becoming obsessed with the newest Kitt/Yorkey Broadway musical… Doing the normal things we do in life.

Doing something.

There have been times when I hasn’t doing enough and I think I’ve found a good balance. I’m adjusting to this new balance, and hopefully will blog more soon.

Let me know if there’s anything specific you’d like me to write about in the comments below! I know there are actually a few people who read this and I’d love to get some feedback!

Wordless Wednesday: Puppies!

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For your puppy fix for the next eight weeks (if you are so inclined) Eukanuba and Canine Companions for Independence are doing another puppy cam!

http://www.ustream.tv/eukanuba

It runs from 9 am – 9 pm PST. Perfect way to decompress from my first week of work at my new job (which is another post entirely).

Live streaming video by Ustream

but we fight for roses, too..

This is one of my favorite Step Sing songs from college, and since today is International Women’s Day… I thought I should share. Love this Joan Baez version.

I must remind myself to fight for those metaphorical roses, just as I fight for the bread.

As we come marching, marching in the beauty of the day,
A million darkened kitchens, a thousand mill lofts gray,
Are touched with all the radiance that a sudden sun discloses,
For the people hear us singing: “Bread and roses! Bread and roses!”
As we come marching, marching, we battle too for men,
For they are women’s children, and we mother them again.
Our lives shall not be sweated from birth until life closes;
Hearts starve as well as bodies; give us bread, but give us roses!
As we come marching, marching, unnumbered women dead
Go crying through our singing their ancient cry for bread.
Small art and love and beauty their drudging spirits knew.
Yes, it is bread we fight for — but we fight for roses, too!
As we come marching, marching, we bring the greater days.
The rising of the women means the rising of the race.
No more the drudge and idler — ten that toil where one reposes,
But a sharing of life’s glories: Bread and roses! Bread and roses!