(internal) vampires

The last vampire is the mother of all vampires and that is the vampire of despair.
It’ll wake you up at 4am to say things like:
(Who do you think you’re kidding?
You look like a fool.
No matter how hard you try, you’ll never be good enough)
Why is it that if some dude walked up to me on the subway platform
and said these things, I’d think he was a mentally ill asshole,
but if the vampire inside my head says it,
It’s the voice of reason. – Susan, [title of show]

Tonight’s task: killing vampires.

I need to refine my technique, I think.

What, exactly, does one do to kill a vampire?

I am not talking Twilight vampires, I am speaking of these little internal voice-vampires.

Right now, a whole lot of stuff is going really, really well.  Some things I can talk about (like how truly obsessed with my dog I am, the fun new horse I’m riding, the great barre class I’ve started torturing myself with), some is pending and I can’t yet reveal.

But still internal evil little vampire persists, telling me that I’m not good enough.  That no one else really gives a damn what I think.  That it’s a waste and I shouldn’t bother.

This of course is, in [tos]-speak, is the vampire of despair. And, I admit, I love their solution to it:

Oh baby, you must escape and grab it by the nape of its neck, by the trachea
fuckin’ break it, go on drive a stake in,
Yeah there’s no mistaking, now you’re shake and bakin’- Susan, [title of show]

So what exactly does that mean? For me, it’s figuratively driving a stake into my fears.  Taking a big gulp and going forward.  Breaking that which binds me to past events and fears.

Will I ever get to the |shake and bakin’” part, to be completely free of my personal vampires?  Knowing me, probably not.  But I can try my best to silence their voices and lessen their hold on me.  So I will.

(and something tells me I have probably written about this song before. It just seemed appropriate again)

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