Doctor: You mean there’s a difference between being happy and thinking you’re happy?
Diana: People who think they’re happy just haven’t thought about it enough. People who think they’re happy are actually just stupid.
This quote is rather crass, I admit, but I was thinking about this show the other day and remembered it. This show’s treatment and examination of chronic illness, although fictionalized and heightened for maximum dramatic impact, made a huge impact on my when I first saw it in 2009 at its first preview performance in New York City. I am the world’s worst critic when it comes to disability literature/art (I can’t help it, there’s so much bad stuff out there!) but this moved me like few things have.
I thought about this quote recently while having a blogging crisis of conscience. I was feeling bad that my blog seems to be a series of rather disconnected and slightly morose ruminations. It’s not the happy, inspiring blogs I read from others. And I don’t aim to do that, either. I realized I don’t share the good things, and I’m not sure why.
I didn’t feel a burning desire to blog about the ride I had last week on the amazing horse I have the privilege of riding where we figured out the difference between bend and flexion and how to use both (and as I write that, it makes no sense if you’re not a horse person – maybe that’s why!) I didn’t write about my new apartment, new-ish job, or my excitement about getting my own washer dryer. I will probably write eons about my new dog next month, at least I plan to.
I guess that’s what I’m trying to get at, that I am a chronic over-thinker and this blog is as good a place as any to think stuff through. I can’t, after all, completely torture my friends and family with entirely too much existential angst. And the more I think about things, the less clear-cut they become
So no, I don’t quite believe Diana’s assertion here (after all, she is speaking in a deeply troubled state), but I can certainly see where it’s coming from and find it strangely liberating to identify with this searching she does.